[ He feels an unfamiliar sense of dread as he takes a few silent steps forward. Just a few. He tries to think, think through the burning sensation, think through feeling like he's getting his scar again except this time it's spreading all over his body.
But it's hard to think.
And then, the quiet whisper of a voice that hadn't changed since he was a small child. ]
Squall.
[ Always Squall. Always him first. He always seemed to be her favorite. ]
Quistis, Selphie.
[ Bossy, over-bearing Quistis and Selphie, too. Quistis acting like she was years older than the rest of them when she was only older than him by two months. ]
Irvine, Zell. You've all grown so much... and become so strong....
[ But what about him? That dumbass Irvine always sticking with Selphie and Zell getting all the attention because he was a crybaby chicken-wuss. To make it worse, Zell and Quistis had actually been adopted. Families actually came all the way out to the middle of nowhere and decides those two blond-haired blue-eyed children were more adoptable than him.
He could shrug it off. He could remember the mission, which had apparently changed to stick it out for fifteen minutes since he knew there was no way in hell he'd be able to find either of them.
He's better than Quistis. Better than Zell. He could shrug it off. Now isn't the time to be thinking about that. Just focus on anything other than that. Anything other than the burning, cutting pain.
But what about him?
No, quit asking that.
But why couldn't she ever remember him?
It's not important. How much time is left?
Why didn't she care about him, too?
Goddamit, focus! ]
Because you're useless. A useless fool.
[ He reminds himself that Edea's not here. He reminds himself, but... ]
I'm not useless, Matron.
[ The word slips out by mistake. He was the one who protected her. He was the one who stayed by her side, who acted as her knight, who protected her from Squall and the others who didn't even remember she was their matron and tried to assassinate her.
It was him. He was the heroic one. He was the one who made sure she stayed alive. It was because of him that she was able to have her happy reunion with Cid later. Cid, the one training everyone to kill Matron in the first place, who always favored Squall.
They were on the same team. Squad B was one unit. It didn't matter what Cid said; he knew he made the right decision to investigate further. Squall and that dumbass chicken-wuss followed his orders. If orders were supposed to be followed exactly, then why...? If they became SeeDs because they disregarded the exam's instructions to follow his orders, shouldn't he have passed, too? It was his fucking idea in the first place! He laid out the plan! If Cid was so desperate for a gunblade specialist, why did he pass him up four times? Why did he pick Squall over him?! Him and Matron both— ]
You're useless.
[ She isn't here. He knows that. He does. She's not here yet he can't bring himself to actually tell that familiar voice to shut up. She wouldn't... say that to him again.... And even if she would, he wouldn't care because... because.... ]
Squall, will you just flip the goddamn switch already?!
[ Pathetic. Even he was relying on Squall now. There was nothing sadder than that. He'd rather die having come here to rescue people than to put up with this bullshit. ]
no subject
But it's hard to think.
And then, the quiet whisper of a voice that hadn't changed since he was a small child. ]
Squall.
[ Always Squall. Always him first. He always seemed to be her favorite. ]
Quistis, Selphie.
[ Bossy, over-bearing Quistis and Selphie, too. Quistis acting like she was years older than the rest of them when she was only older than him by two months. ]
Irvine, Zell. You've all grown so much... and become so strong....
[ But what about him? That dumbass Irvine always sticking with Selphie and Zell getting all the attention because he was a crybaby chicken-wuss. To make it worse, Zell and Quistis had actually been adopted. Families actually came all the way out to the middle of nowhere and decides those two blond-haired blue-eyed children were more adoptable than him.
He could shrug it off. He could remember the mission, which had apparently changed to stick it out for fifteen minutes since he knew there was no way in hell he'd be able to find either of them.
He's better than Quistis. Better than Zell. He could shrug it off. Now isn't the time to be thinking about that. Just focus on anything other than that. Anything other than the burning, cutting pain.
But what about him?
No, quit asking that.
But why couldn't she ever remember him?
It's not important. How much time is left?
Why didn't she care about him, too?
Goddamit, focus! ]
Because you're useless. A useless fool.
[ He reminds himself that Edea's not here. He reminds himself, but... ]
I'm not useless, Matron.
[ The word slips out by mistake. He was the one who protected her. He was the one who stayed by her side, who acted as her knight, who protected her from Squall and the others who didn't even remember she was their matron and tried to assassinate her.
It was him. He was the heroic one. He was the one who made sure she stayed alive. It was because of him that she was able to have her happy reunion with Cid later. Cid, the one training everyone to kill Matron in the first place, who always favored Squall.
They were on the same team. Squad B was one unit. It didn't matter what Cid said; he knew he made the right decision to investigate further. Squall and that dumbass chicken-wuss followed his orders. If orders were supposed to be followed exactly, then why...? If they became SeeDs because they disregarded the exam's instructions to follow his orders, shouldn't he have passed, too? It was his fucking idea in the first place! He laid out the plan! If Cid was so desperate for a gunblade specialist, why did he pass him up four times? Why did he pick Squall over him?! Him and Matron both— ]
You're useless.
[ She isn't here. He knows that. He does. She's not here yet he can't bring himself to actually tell that familiar voice to shut up. She wouldn't... say that to him again.... And even if she would, he wouldn't care because... because.... ]
Squall, will you just flip the goddamn switch already?!
[ Pathetic. Even he was relying on Squall now. There was nothing sadder than that. He'd rather die having come here to rescue people than to put up with this bullshit. ]