[ It's a short reprieve. Something comforting to tear his mind away from both the pain and the mission. He exhales deeply just then, glad for a tiny instant, before he regrets letting out so much air.
His hands instrinctively reach for his throat. He can feel it, but there's nothing there besides his blank tag. Right?
It's just the Dark Field. The Dark Field plays tricks on the mind; he won't come out of this any worse than the line of people before him. How many times has he heard that before? How many times has Alex or someone else recapped the events of the Dark Field?
He understands the logic behind it, but that doesn't make the feeling of asphyxiation falter for a moment. His gloved fingers curl around the tag at his throat, and even as he reminds himself that it's just the Dark Field manipulating him, that the gap between his throat and the metal is no smaller than before, it feels impossible to breathe.
He tries to focus, tries to focus on something other than the ruin shown to him which he'd caused himself. It's not so much the fact that he'd done it that upsets him—it's the consequences. Seeing the ruins of Trabia only reminded him that the friendship he had with Fujin and Raijin is officially over; that he'd gone off the deep end; that it was his own fault.
And most of all, he made an effort to refuse to allow his brain to process even the idea of the possibility of the two of them dead; of Cam dead; of Roze dead; of even Squall or Impmon dead. If he seriously followed Ultimecia's wish here, that's what would happen, isn't it? If he followed it back home....
It's not like he's some innocent teenager. He's killed people plenty of times; he had to. He was a cadet. It was kill or be killed and Seifer wanted to live. So it's not like the idea that losing people he knew personally was new to him. That if he'd gone just a few steps further, he might have killed Squall himself back then. That Fujin and Raijin might have died following his orders. That the three of them inside the Dark Field could very well die following his orders.
It's just the Dark Field. It's not real. Or... most of it's not real.
Reminding himself didn't help. It felt real. How could something that felt so real be fake? ]
no subject
His hands instrinctively reach for his throat. He can feel it, but there's nothing there besides his blank tag. Right?
It's just the Dark Field. The Dark Field plays tricks on the mind; he won't come out of this any worse than the line of people before him. How many times has he heard that before? How many times has Alex or someone else recapped the events of the Dark Field?
He understands the logic behind it, but that doesn't make the feeling of asphyxiation falter for a moment. His gloved fingers curl around the tag at his throat, and even as he reminds himself that it's just the Dark Field manipulating him, that the gap between his throat and the metal is no smaller than before, it feels impossible to breathe.
He tries to focus, tries to focus on something other than the ruin shown to him which he'd caused himself. It's not so much the fact that he'd done it that upsets him—it's the consequences. Seeing the ruins of Trabia only reminded him that the friendship he had with Fujin and Raijin is officially over; that he'd gone off the deep end; that it was his own fault.
And most of all, he made an effort to refuse to allow his brain to process even the idea of the possibility of the two of them dead; of Cam dead; of Roze dead; of even Squall or Impmon dead. If he seriously followed Ultimecia's wish here, that's what would happen, isn't it? If he followed it back home....
It's not like he's some innocent teenager. He's killed people plenty of times; he had to. He was a cadet. It was kill or be killed and Seifer wanted to live. So it's not like the idea that losing people he knew personally was new to him. That if he'd gone just a few steps further, he might have killed Squall himself back then. That Fujin and Raijin might have died following his orders. That the three of them inside the Dark Field could very well die following his orders.
It's just the Dark Field. It's not real. Or... most of it's not real.
Reminding himself didn't help. It felt real. How could something that felt so real be fake? ]